In general, this is going to be "free-hand," so there may be typos, I may make up words, and I'm probably not going to go back and edit for content a lot. This will be more like I am talking to you which is hopefully a good thing. I will try to let you know which posts are going to be more rant-y or long or whatever so you can skip ones that don't interest you. And please keep in mind that just about every bit of complaining or pointing out issues that I do is almost certainly meant to be taken as at least a bit humorous and that I am actually quite a sarcastic person in real life and sometimes that tone does not come across perfectly in text form.
Today's first topic of discussion is stuff I get to deal with being a model on the internet. The vast majority of my fans are sweet, nice, respectful, lovely people. And I brag about them constantly. So constantly that my friends probably secretly roll their eyes when I mention them. But sometimes I get those people that just do not understand, or care to understand, what I am doing or what I mean by it.
I am pretty open and honest, and I realize that sometimes that can be mistaken somehow for flirting. I am not available, and I finally updated my Facebook to reflect that because I just feel like it is easier to let people know up front, even though I do not flirt intentionally and I try very hard not to ask as though I am leading someone on. And I feel kind of weirdly vain saying that because it makes me sound as if I assume everyone out there wants to date me which I am sure is not true. But anyway, I try to make it clear that I'm not available.
But the thing is... I'm not a nude model because I am looking for a date. And just to get it out there, I don't have a wishlist full of lingerie and shoes and stuff for personal reasons. I have that stuff on there because it's expensive and I can't afford to update my collection every month like I need to. I never promise explicit photos in exchange for wishlist purchases. What I do promise is that I will eventually shoot in the item, I will say thank you (either by name or not depending on your preference), and I usually try to send out a thank you card as well. And really, I would hope that people are buying me the things from the wishlist as a way to support what I do, not because they expect explicit photos. So far that seems to be the case, which is good.
I have also found that shooting photos of my feet brings people out of the woodwork, so to speak. I do like showing off my feet. I like taking pictures of my feet. But I am not into performing sexual acts with my feet and as much as I imagine it might bring me more gifts and fans, I just cannot find it in myself to do that whole shaming and cruel dominatrix thing that a lot of foot fans also seem to be into. I am horrible at degrading people in general and my sort of domination is more motherly and teaching and that sort of thing. I like managing people, giving them tasks, etc, and I like being in charge in that way, but I guess I am just not cut out to be a real dominatrix. Which is too bad really because I love those outfits. Seriously, wearing those sexy, shiny catsuits and long dresses and gloves and boots and such is about 50% of why I got into modeling.
But anyway, I like being looked at which is why I consider myself an exhibitionist. I get so much good feeling out of people telling me they like my photos, whether they are self portraits or with another photographer, or people telling me they love the way I pose, or when people recognize me out at events. Maybe this is a personality flaw, I know some people certainly think it is, but at least I realize it is there and try to acknowledge the effects. And you know what else? It is a billion times better than when I had no self esteem at all. Sure, now my self esteem may go up and down, and maybe I am a little bit sensitive and certainly can be jealous when I see another model doing really well. But it's not the hateful kind of jealousy. I don't wish them ill will or anything. I just want to be able to do the same things. Is that even still jealousy? I'm not sure.
But on the whole, and slightly back on topic, I really don't get that many overtly sexual messages. Or hate mail. Maybe I'm not putting myself out there enough. Some other models seem to get an awful lot of it. And I am not complaining.
And in closing, here is the photo of me in that peach lingerie that I posted in that group. I really need more peach lingerie.
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