Q & A #2: Comfort Zones & Conceptual Shoots

And here we go with #2 in my Q & A series ^_^ This time I'm just going to copy and paste the question:

"How about stepping out of your comfort zone or being ready to try new things. Sometimes models are presented with a concept that may seem unfamiliar but the end result is great. Could mean trying new unusual poses."

This question is really interesting and because I know the person who asked, I'm hoping I can answer it even better than I might have just as a standard question. I'm not going to say any more about the person because I generally keep people anonymous in these sorts of things unless asked to do otherwise. ^_~

I think as I've became more and more experienced in my modeling in the past, I ran into the issue that I was starting to get a little frustrated with doing the same thing over and over. I'm not even sure I realized that was why I was frustrated, but I now know it was. I still enjoyed modeling, I just needed more from it sometimes. This is where conceptual work really comes in nicely. It allows me to take a break from my art nudes and to focus more on becoming a character. For me becoming a character is a bit of a challenge because I am a horrible actress. I'm also horrible at lying. Seriously. So what I have to do is reach inside myself and pull out parts of myself that fit that character and work from there. Here an example where I am the Evil Queen from Snow White:

"The Solution," a collaboration with DVS

I really enjoyed this image because I love the Evil Queen and I love getting all dressed up. It was a lot of work and putting the outfit together with DVS was a real challenge. The fact that he shoots everything in studio and that nothing is "photoshopped" in makes it even more challenging in a fun way. 

Other times conceptual work might just mean working with a specific mood or props or in a certain location, etc, rather than bringing together a whole separate character. I used to be horrible with props. I didn't want to do the same things I'd seen over and over, unless the photographer requested it or it was the only option, and then I didn't know what else to do. It took some time to learn to step outside of my comfort zone of just posing myself and learning to pose with an object. Usually, I start by interacting in a way that seems normal (reading a book, for example), then I might try adjusting the position of the book, then I might start moving away from using the book in any practical way and focus on moving around it. I may lay it on the ground next to my feet or hold it in front of my face. I just keep going until I run out of ideas with it, no matter how odd they may seem. Plus, when I'm doing this, it gives the photographer a chance to just shoot and see what comes of it, or maybe they get an idea too. Here an example with a couple really cool pieces of wardrobe, both shot within the same session:

Photographer: Clever9Design

Photographer: Clever9Design

And there have been times when I was approached with a concept that I was unsure of. It wasn't against my limits, just something I wasn't really familiar with or something I wasn't sure about. I hope that makes sense. I don't believe in pushing any hard limits (for example, I don't shoot porn, or spreads), but I think doing something different can be really beneficial (maybe getting a little dirty, or posing with an odd prop). Or, as the question mentioned, trying some different poses. Some times I get so caught up in creating certain lines, I totally forget others. For example, I'm always arching my back, but now sometimes I try curving it up and out (like a cat). It doesn't look as sexy or whatnot, but it can look really interesting. And I'll even admit that there have been concepts that I thought I'd look a little off in and it ended up that the photographer saw a vision and I actually fit in quite well, I just didn't realize I would. Here is one example of that inspired by Frida Kahlo:

Photographer: Eric Toth

I'm not saying that every time a photographer has approached me with a concept I wasn't sure about that I accepted. That's definitely not true. But I always look at their other work and what ever information they have given me. If someone looks like they have pulled off some concepts before, then I'm much more likely to give it a go. Sometimes I just take a chance anyway, and honestly, I wish I had the time to do that more often.

Q & A #1: Pervy Photographers, Explaining Why I Shoot Nude, and Other Questions

I asked for input on from Facebook friends on what I should about next here in my diary since I was feeling a bit of a writer's block. I had several good suggestions, and I plan to get to them all eventually, but one topic that came up more than once was the concept of social views of nudes, and nude photography & modeling, and the sexualization of nudes & nude models.

I will paraphrase, but one person asked me how I feel about pervy photographers, having sex with my photographers, and then what a photographer or a man in general could do to turn me on. Yep, so there we go ^_~ And then another person asked how I deal with people who are against nudes and how I explain my choice to pose for nudes to them.

I guess the first thing I need to explain is how I, personally, see what I do. When I shoot art nudes like the one above, there is no expectation or feeling of sexuality that I am trying to portray whatsoever. Yes, I am nude, yes you can see full frontal nudity, but I did not intend for the image to be sexy or erotic. On the other side, sometimes I do intend for the image to be sexy and/or erotic, like in the one below.

However, at no point do I personally create images for the sole purpose of arousal, if I ever create anything with that intent at all it is a minor thought and not something I focus on at all. My primary objective, so to speak, is always to create some artistic and almost always with some sort of meaning and portrayal of some part of myself. Sometimes the meaning is erotic, sometimes it is supposed to be sexy, sometimes it is supposed to be about the form and figure. And I always realize that no matter what I meant it to be, some people will see it differently, and that includes some people seeing something sexual in the photo that I did not intend. And I am okay with that to a pretty open degree. I think most artists will agree that what we want is for you to feel something when you see our art. What you feel says just as much about you as it does about our art, and not everyone feels the same thing when looking at the same photo or art.

Do I get inappropriate messages and comments about my photos? Sure. Generally I either ignore them or simply glaze over them and take the compliment. Only if they get very rude or inappropriate will I kindly, but firmly try to put a stop to it. Thus far, I've never had to block anyone for that sort of thing.

Now as far as pervy photographers... this is something that takes a lot of models some getting used to and I know a lot of new models have just given up modeling because too many pervy photographers contacted them trying to push their limits and get them to pose for things they were not comfortable with. Thank goodness I did not let it deter me, and let me assure you, I've had some pretty awful offers. Also thankfully, I learned how to say no and move on. I still get offers to shoot things I have no interest in shooting that are well beyond my limits. And the funny thing to me is something I say all the time now: "Well, I guess just being completely naked isn't enough any more." Sometimes it seems nobody is happy to shoot me just as an art nude model or in the mild fetishes I will shoot, or, heaven forbid, fully clothed. They want spreads and insertion and girl/girl and all other manner of things that I simply have no interest in shooting. It can be a little disappointing to get all excited to see that you are getting a paid offer and then when you ask for details it's something that is clearly out of your range if the person had actually reviewed your portfolio at all. But this is part of the package deal of being a nude model.

I've personally never had a photographer at a shoot try to hit on me or try to turn me on (as was asked on FB). Or at least I was not aware of it. I would find this highly inappropriate, and in the case of trying to turn me on, I would likely end the shoot. I cannot really imagine any scenario in which someone would try with this me since I have a reputation for being very professional and for expecting those who work with me to be as well.

I do have people who ask me if I feel turned on when I pose and I always feel a little bad bursting that fantasy bubble, but, no, I don't. Here is a little secret: when I am posing sexy, or even erotic, I am actually more concerned with making sure my body and my face look as I feel they should. I have a lot of difficulty trying to make sexy faces, so I usually go with something more sensual and rarely do a lot of eye contact because it's hard for me reach into the moment and emote when I'm looking at the camera. I just kind of find it amusing and end up laughing, at least in my own head. Now, sometimes I do find certain types of posing to be quite euphoric when all the things are just right, when I am flowing into the poses easily and not having to strain my body too much, when the temperature is just right and their are hot lights or sunlight falling just right on my skin, and when the photographer is capturing things they seem to like and there is just a sort of nice flow to it all. That is very euphoric and feels very dreamy to me (but not sexual and it doesn't turn me on).

But even despite all of this I do still have the occasional "hater" who thinks what I do is wrong and that all nudes are porn and things like that. I used to try to explain things to them, but now I usually just let it go. I'll maybe apologize for offending them and then suggest they move on. Sometimes if I think a little explanation might help I will take the time to write one, but otherwise, I just let it go.

And then there are the curious people who want to know "why" I do it. And I tell them that I do it because I enjoy it. I enjoy being able to create art with my body, I enjoy creating the lines and curves and shapes with my body. I like playing in really good lighting and seeing how it changes as I move. And really, this is the only art I feel truly "good" at. I am not gifted in any other way, musically, as a dancer, as a painter or sculptor, etc. But with art nudes in particular, I feel like I can be part of creating a classical type of art. Sometimes I explain that it's not sexual to me, sometimes I feel like I don't need to. Sometimes I tell them more about how I enjoy anatomy and some specific parts of myself that lend themselves well to art photographer (like the convex structure of my upper rib cage which you can sort of see in the first photo above), that I actually never liked and certainly never appreciated until I began modeling. Most people who ask the question are usually already open minded enough and once I explain it, they at least seem to understand why it do or even actually appreciate it.

I've also been asked many times if my family knows about what I do. I'm not really close to my extended family, so to my knowledge most of them do not know. I do have one cousin who knows because I told him. I am much, much closer to my immediate family. My siblings all know and my mother knows, but as far as I know my father does not know. My mother found out early on and has been very supportive. She has prints of some of my self portraits and at least one from another photographer as well. She probably wouldn't like everything I do, but she trusts me and she supports me making decisions that are good for me. I'm very lucky that she is so supportive and has been for my entire life unless she really feels like she needs to step in. I have not told my father because I know he wouldn't like it and I just don't feel like upsetting him, particularly given his health issues. My siblings all seem to be indifferent towards it. None of them have ever expressed any really interest or issue with it.

I think that pretty much covers it... oh wait, that question about whether I have sex with my photographers. No, I don't. I only have sex with one and he's my soulmate (also, I borrow his camera a lot to shoot my self portraits). But most of my photographers are friends, or become friends, and that's pretty cool.

Sorry if I ruined any one's fantasies. Well, I mean, not really, but kind of. But now you know ^_~

A censored version so I have an image to share on FB and such ^_~

My Thoughts On Detroit

I am writing this in response to this article which I read today: "16 Things You Have to Explain to Out of Towners About Detroit" aka "Detroit, It's Not That Bad"

Me in one of sarees on Belle Isle, Photography: Diane Irby

I'm not "from Detroit," but I think I've found my little niche here pretty nicely. I love the art community, I love the community in general, I love the cultural diversity, I love that there are saree shops I can drive to, and I love the friends I've made here.

But honestly, if you'd told me 10 years ago that I'd be moving here, or even 5 years ago, I probably would have looked at you like you were crazy. I never liked big cities and obviously I see Detroit as a big city (though I know there are many even bigger cities). I grew up in Knoxville, TN which is fairly forward and not what most people think of when I say I'm from TN. But that was as big a city as I wanted to be in. I always wanted acres of land, a big Spanish style house, and horses with neighbors too far away to see or hear. And then I came here. I was immediately welcomed into the community. And after my recent, at that time, issues at having been run out of an artistic community in TN, I was really relieved. I learned that Detroit creatives were very different from the ones I'd met in my hometown. The Detroit artists I met had jobs if they could, or at least found ways to support themselves and their families, they actually had goals and were working towards those goals. There was (and is) still some people in the community who don't like other people, but from my point of view, people here handle it better.

My modeling didn't turn out how I had planned, but it's taken it's own little road and I discovered self portraiture and people actually recognize me here, and they follow my work. I was thrilled to meet some of the people I had only seen on the ModelMayhem forums before. The models I've met are generally nice and friendly and they support each other. Back in TN a lot of the other models, even before I was shunned (which I'm not going into, but it had to do with a certain photographer/model there and an ex of mine spreading rumors about me and such), always seemed to look at me with a little distaste. I'm not sure if it was because I was fairly well known in the community or because I posed nude or what. And I do miss being one of the top models in my area, and I miss the paycheck that came with that from booking shoots all the time. The market here in Detroit for the sort of model I am has been slim to nonexistent and coupled with my health issues that has guided me to change my gears. I do a lot of one or two day group shoots and shoot myself, but I'm cautiously venturing back into freelance shoots now too.

But creative stuff aside, there is so much awesomeness here! I love the zoo. The Knoxville Zoo still remains one of my favorite places in the world that I have been to, but the Detroit Zoo is pretty magical too. I've only been a couple times and didn't get to go at all last year, but I'm hoping when it warms up I can go back again this year. And the Detroit Institute of Arts is amazing. When I went there I saw art work that was featured in the books I've read about art. And there are so many other galleries and places to see art too.

Reflecting Detroit, Photographer: DVS

And that brings me to the events I work with. I'm going to link you to the events so you can find out more what they are really about, but here I'm going to focus more on what I do with them. The big event is in October and its called The DAMNED Show, featuring darker, introspective art, butoh & similar performances, and dinner options. We also have a masquerade ball on the third night. We get art from all over the world as well as from local artists. One of the first things I do every year is to open up and inspect the art that is shipped in. I have a nice little check list with a number for each piece of art and one of my primary jobs is organizing the art. Once the show set up begins, usually two weeks before the show, I am also in charge of volunteers and "The List" which is, as you might have guessed, a list of all the things that need to be done. And then once the show in underway, I spend the night in some fancy outfit, usually based on an evil queen, running around checking on the door people, managing the Devil Girls & Guys who sell raffle tickets for Burners Without Borders (BWB) to raffle off a ring by Atelier Gothique, chatting with patrons, watching to make sure the art is safe, and making sure people eat. I say this like I do a lot, but really, the two curators/creators of the show do a ton more than I do with hanging the art, building things, handling the administrative stuff, etc. I just do what I can do to make their jobs easier so they can focus on the jobs only they can do (which are so numerous I can't list them).

We also have other shows like Corpus Illuminata, an art show based around anatomic interpretations, which is especially lovely for me since my background is in biology, immunology, physiology, etc. I also handle the art and volunteers for this show, and the others to follow. Purgatory is our film exhibition in a similar vein theme-wise to DAMNED. At the end of the year we have Noche de Los Muertos (our Day of the Dead afterparty) and Krampus Night (our holiday/anti-holiday party and Toys for Tots & BWB benefit ). And this year we are having another tiny art show called Small Wonders along with a variety show event.

Obviously, I love this which is why I just wrote you a mini novel about it ^_~ I love organizing things and I love managing people. Last DAMNED a certain someone told me I was really good at managing people and totally made my day. I try really hard to only give people tasks they can handle and to always say thank you. We do reward our volunteers, of course, but I always try to keep in mind that they are there because they want to be and I want them to continue to want to help. And all of this brings me around, though perhaps a bit indirectly, to the fact that I have dreamed of running events for a long time. I'm not sure it was ever one of those in your face dreams, but I thought I would maybe be good at it and I knew I would enjoy it.

So Detroit has also let me follow that dream. And it has allowed me to become a more social person with awesome, supportive friends. Sure the roads are bumpy, and there are areas that I would not be comfortable going, but if I can come here and actually love it, I think it deserves at least some respect. So maybe it's not your cup of tea, but really "It's not that bad" ^_~ I really could go on and on about places that I like to go and places I like to eat, but I think I'm going to save that for another time. Let me know in the comments if that's something you'd be interested in reading.

So in closing, to me Detroit is about community, ethnic diversity, and art. It's about a new start and exploring myself. And I like it just fine.

One of my self portraits which I likely never would have taken had I not moved to Detroit

Talking About My Hair

I'm pretty sure anyone who has ever seen me, either in person or just in photos, will probably agree that I have pretty long hair. Most people call it very long, although I hesitate to say that because there are women out there with hair that is much, much longer. I dream of the day my hair stops breaks when it reaches tailbone length and gets to be mid-thigh length. But I like it the way it is now too. Right now it is about 2.5 feet (30 inches) long from the crown to the ends.

I wear my hair down 95% of the time. I put it up for cleaning, cooking, and when I workout. Otherwise, I really like it down. I don't ever really style it any more, but when I was younger I used to do little accent braids and sometimes in the summer time I will braid it just to keep it from sticking to my bare skin. I know other people are dying to put their hair up in top knots and whatever else once the weather is warm, but I like to stick to my boring styles ^_~

I've actually really only had my styled on a couple occasions. When I was a little girl, maybe 5 or 6, I had a birthday party at a salon and they curled my hair. And I don't think my hair was "done" again until I started modeling a few years ago. That must sound really odd to people who go to the salon all the time, especially when I add that my hair has never been cut, at least not since I was old enough to remember. It's been trimmed, of course, and I had bangs for a while as a kid, but what you see now is pretty much how my hair has looked for my forever, color excluded. My natural hair color is a medium sort of ashy brown but with red tones at certain times of year. It hasn't been that color since I was probably 20 or so.

I've been dying my hair myself at home for quite a while. First I went burgundy. Then a dark chocolate with chestnut streaks for a couple days, and then dark chocolate, and finally black, then blue black. I stuck with the blue black for the longest.

Me with my burgundy hair and one of my dogs, since passed

Styled by my little brother, the first time I dyed my hair black, I think

Yes, I was definitely goth, or trying hard to look like it anyway. My mother and my little brother used to take my photos before I started modeling. My mother took the top photo, and my little brother shot and styled the second photo. Drink that one in because that is the one and only instance of me ever wearing that type of hat, and a rare instance of me in a hat period.

So I had blue black hair for a pretty long while, into my start of modeling, and then about two years ago I started having allergic reactions to the hair dye. There is a chemical called PPD (I think) in most hair dyes that I believe was causing the reaction. So I started looking into natural hair dyes. I finally settled on henna and indigo aka henndigo where the henna serves as a base to help the hair take the black color of the indigo. I tried what is called a one step process first where the henna and indigo are mixed together and applied at the same time, but I didn't really get black. So then I tried the two step process. This entails mixing the henna with water, letting it set for a few hours, applied it to my hair, letting that set for at least an hour, rinsing that out, mixing the indigo, applying that to my hair, letting that set for at least an hour, and then rinsing that out, which takes about half an hour. Then I usually have to wash my hair again the next day to get the remaining indigo residue out. It's kind of a chore, but it's all a ritual and I enjoy it. Plus it fades into my roots and the rest of my previously box dyed hair really nicely.

And once I got into the henndigo I decided maybe I should try natural shampoo and stuff too. I'd already been using a sulfate free shampoo and conditioner, but I wanted to go even more natural. So I tried shampoo bars which are cold processed soaps created using oils, butters, and essential oils, etc. It took a couple times to get used to rubbing the bar on my hair, especially since my hair is so long, but they are amazing! My hair breaks less and has been getting just a little bit longer, too. They don't lather as much as regular shampoo, mainly due to the lack of chemicals, but they do get your hair clean, they smell nice, and I think they've strengthened my hair (probably by helping the cuticle to lay better). Also, I don't have to condition any more because they don't strip all the oils out of my hair and leave it dry. Just enough of the natural oils stay in and if I need to moisturize the ends I use a little sweet almond oil.

Earlier I said I don't style my hair, which is true, but I also try not to blow dry it either. I do have a blow dryer because I've found that sometimes I have to either blow dry my hair or go out with wet hair, and that causes me headaches and neck tension, so if I have to, I will let it dry about halfway and then blow dry it. I use a natural brand of heat protectant as well.

I suppose really the last thing to talk about are my hair brushing tools. I have a wide tooth comb, a boar bristle brush, and then one of those pod looking things with the plastic bristles. I was skeptical about the pod, but it's ended up being pretty nice. It doesn't snag, and it doesn't just brush over the tangles like the boar bristle one does. I do hope one day to have a really nice boar bristle brush that looks pretty that I can do videos with and show off ^_~ The one in the photo above is a vintage brush, but I don't feel comfortable really using it in my hair and the bristles are too soft anyway.

Sometimes I feel like my hair is super complicated and sometimes I feel like I do a lot less than other women.

One more hair photo:

You can get this a print on Etsy ^_~

Why I Love Zivity

So, today I felt inspired to write a post about Zivity, not really about how it works or anything (though part of that will be in here, I'm sure), but more about my experiences with it and why I'm on the site.

From my Zivity set "The Forgotten Courtesan"

If you don't know what Zivity is, you can head over to www.Zivity.com to read a basic description. From my point of view, I shoot sets of photos, usually varying from wearing lingerie to nude, either with another photographer or as a self shot photographer, then I upload those sets to the site. Subscribers aka Fans (as well as other models and photographer, aka Artists) can view the sets and if they like them, they can vote on the set. The votes cost $1 each, but I believe subscribers get some votes with their subscription each month. Once you spend that $1 on my set, I get 55 cents, the photographer gets 30 cents, and Zivity takes the remainder. So 55 cents may not seem like a lot, but if just 10 people vote 10 times each, so they put in $10 each, I make $55.

At around 100 votes per set, some going over 200, but rarely for me, I make about $55 a set right now. That number used to be more like $100 a set, but I lost some key fans and I'm working to build my fan base back up again. So anyway, I would estimate I spend a couple hours shooting each set, not including maybe another half hour to hour picking out wardrobe, doing makeup, researching poses, setting up the lights & camera, etc. Then I spend at least a couple more hours going through the photos to pick the best shots (I often shoot a few shots of the same pose), and then editing the photos. So we'll go with a low estimate of 4.5 hours spent on each set and that comes out to about $12 an hour. Except of course that I also spend at least an hour a day, on average, contacting fans, sending messages, writing on walls, etc to promote my sets.

From my Zivity set "Oh My Light"

Why am I telling you all this? Because I think it's important for people to understand what goes into a set, but also to show you that supporting artists on Zivity is something almost anyone can do and I kind of hope that some of you reading this might sign up on the site and support me. Or that those of you who are members who don't vote for me might consider sending a vote or two or more my way. If you're not a member, you can head over to www.zivity.com/join/passcode and use my passcode which is "zivitymi" (without the quotes) for a free trial. Or you can PM me on FB with your e-mail address and I can send you an invite that way.

So how come I do this Zivity thing? Well, I used to be a freelance model, so I would go around posing for other photographers and they would pay me. But then I started having my pain issues and it got to the point that I couldn't schedule shoots any more because sometimes the pain would flare up and I knew that it was going to force me to cancel shoots. Photographers really do not like that, and I do not blame them. So I haven't been able to do those shoots or have that income for a while now. But Zivity has filled in some of that gap and I am really, really grateful for that.

From my Zivity set "Pointed"

A lot of people have suggested I join other sites. I'm not going to name any of those sites because I have different reasons for not joining each one and I think mostly they are fine, just not for me. The reasons I have stuck with Zivity are:
1) The community is so diverse. My unmodified, natural self is welcome, as are plus size, tattooed, pierced, and mature models (just to name a few). There are also tons of styles from art nude to pin up to glamour lingerie to beauty and fashion, etc.
2) Fans can be fans of multiple models and I feel like this ties in to #1 because it allows fans to see all sorts of models.
3) I love interacting with fans. The messaging system is easy to use, the fans are generally very supportive and respectful, and they seem to really enjoy supporting the Artists (models & photographers).
4) I maintain the rights to my photos, and the photographers I work with maintain the right to theirs. We don't have to hand over copyrights for a one time payment. But we can still earn money from our photos on the site. This is really a huge deal, but I'm not going to go any deeper into it.
5) Zivity doesn't have what I consider porn. I have nothing against porn really, but I don't necessarily want to be on a site that has it mainly because I feel like I would be ignored and my stuff would be lost in the midst of all of the more explicit stuff. There are nudes on Zivity, full nudes, full frontal nudes, etc, but no insertion or girl/girl, etc. And people don't ignore me ^_~

Oh, and the staff at Zivity are awesome. I've rarely had an issue, but when I do have a question or concern, they handle it pretty quickly and very nicely and personally. I've heard from fans that they also welcome feedback from subscribers on how to improve the site for them.

So if you are looking for a way to support me, and perhaps a few other awesome models & photographers, head on over to Zivity ^_^

From my Zivity set "Pussycat"

PS: I removed the part about unlocking sets because Zivity staff just let me know this is no longer available.

New Blog/Diary

I have been wanting to do a diary type thing for a while. Somewhere to share my thoughts, all of my thoughts, and not just those related to specific things. I always get sidetracked trying to decide what is appropriate for what blog and how to format it and all that mess, and then I end up just losing interest because it's too much planning and not enough writing. So hopefully this will be different.

In general, this is going to be "free-hand," so there may be typos, I may make up words, and I'm probably not going to go back and edit for content a lot. This will be more like I am talking to you which is hopefully a good thing. I will try to let you know which posts are going to be more rant-y or long or whatever so you can skip ones that don't interest you. And please keep in mind that just about every bit of complaining or pointing out issues that I do is almost certainly meant to be taken as at least a bit humorous and that I am actually quite a sarcastic person in real life and sometimes that tone does not come across perfectly in text form.

Today's first topic of discussion is stuff I get to deal with being a model on the internet. The vast majority of my fans are sweet, nice, respectful, lovely people. And I brag about them constantly. So constantly that my friends probably secretly roll their eyes when I mention them. But sometimes I get those people that just do not understand, or care to understand, what I am doing or what I mean by it.

I am pretty open and honest, and I realize that sometimes that can be mistaken somehow for flirting. I am not available, and I finally updated my Facebook to reflect that because I just feel like it is easier to let people know up front, even though I do not flirt intentionally and I try very hard not to ask as though I am leading someone on. And I feel kind of weirdly vain saying that because it makes me sound as if I assume everyone out there wants to date me which I am sure is not true. But anyway, I try to make it clear that I'm not available.

But the thing is... I'm not a nude model because I am looking for a date. And just to get it out there, I don't have a wishlist full of lingerie and shoes and stuff for personal reasons. I have that stuff on there because it's expensive and I can't afford to update my collection every month like I need to. I never promise explicit photos in exchange for wishlist purchases. What I do promise is that I will eventually shoot in the item, I will say thank you (either by name or not depending on your preference), and I usually try to send out a thank you card as well. And really, I would hope that people are buying me the things from the wishlist as a way to support what I do, not because they expect explicit photos. So far that seems to be the case, which is good.

I have also found that shooting photos of my feet brings people out of the woodwork, so to speak. I do like showing off my feet. I like taking pictures of my feet. But I am not into performing sexual acts with my feet and as much as I imagine it might bring me more gifts and fans, I just cannot find it in myself to do that whole shaming and cruel dominatrix thing that a lot of foot fans also seem to be into. I am horrible at degrading people in general and my sort of domination is more motherly and teaching and that sort of thing. I like managing people, giving them tasks, etc, and I like being in charge in that way, but I guess I am just not cut out to be a real dominatrix. Which is too bad really because I love those outfits. Seriously, wearing those sexy, shiny catsuits and long dresses and gloves and boots and such is about 50% of why I got into modeling.

But anyway, I like being looked at which is why I consider myself an exhibitionist. I get so much good feeling out of people telling me they like my photos, whether they are self portraits or with another photographer, or people telling me they love the way I pose, or when people recognize me out at events. Maybe this is a personality flaw, I know some people certainly think it is, but at least I realize it is there and try to acknowledge the effects. And you know what else? It is a billion times better than when I had no self esteem at all. Sure, now my self esteem may go up and down, and maybe I am a little bit sensitive and certainly can be jealous when I see another model doing really well. But it's not the hateful kind of jealousy. I don't wish them ill will or anything. I just want to be able to do the same things. Is that even still jealousy? I'm not sure.

But on the whole, and slightly back on topic, I really don't get that many overtly sexual messages. Or hate mail. Maybe I'm not putting myself out there enough. Some other models seem to get an awful lot of it. And I am not complaining.

And in closing, here is the photo of me in that peach lingerie that I posted in that group. I really need more peach lingerie.